|
Sunday, July 31, 2005
some random thoughts.. so what is it with silence that makes everyone so uneasy? must every single minute be occupied with something? its weird really.. cos how can we say we're sparing others feelings by denying them? its just so hard to face up to how we feel and harder still, actually what we hope or desire to do. hm.. my life wouldnt be a fulfilling one if i shd die tmr. we throw ourselves into a vicious cycle of life, working towards our ambition, for wealth and for that perceived happiness, but do we ever really take a step back and wonder is that what we really want?.. or is it simply what the current culture permits us to have? haha..its a strange world out there. anw, i concluded that no matter how interesting, literature's a horrible subject really. it teaches u the meaninglessness of life, the inherent conflict and tension between men and women, how every effort is plain futile and that no matter how hard we try, we can never establish concrete relationships with anyone. oh.. not forgetting nature is ultimately indifferent to man.. etc etc. and thus, all in all, life is basically, meaningless. yay. literature really helps to boost one's morale and will to live on happily huh. facade-x reminiscing 11:11 + + + birthday was great this yr. wonderful 3 days with family and friends. what will i do w/o family and friends and esp my dear old mama.. and of course not forgetting that ever loving and forgiving Father up there. ptm was alright..was kinda what i had expected. fiona kept emphasising how disappointed she was with me and that my marks for paper 2 are really not deserving marks actually. true. very true. sigh. GP's a horrid case. suck at it and tcher's mentality that im stupid and hopeless in that subject just makes everything even better. and oh ya.. mary's as deluded as usual. haha. lying through and through. so time passed and its the end of july. oh yay.. and yet again, nothing accomplished! and so they say, time has made fools out of us again. so basically, the last couple of weeks had been a hazy grey area.. whereby i seriously dont know where did all my time go to. one thing's for sure..everyone's falling sick. horrid. oh yea. actually, i did accomplish sth. completed reading harry potter! stupid really.. read 3/4 of the book thinking that the half blood prince was actually dumbledore and that harry did go back to cho cheng.. not to mention sirius is really not dead actually.. all thanks to a certain idiot. how gullible can i get anw, sudden spur of motivation today. went jogging for the first time in ten thousand yrs! think the last time i jogged was the last pe lesson they made us jog..which was like.. in may? oh man. haha.. alright. so sch's as dreary as usual.. no.. getting increasingly dreary actually. work's mounting like nobody's business, moods swinging higher and faster than any swings could go, tempers flying higher than the aeroplanes above and of course, with all these, urge to sleep can be likened to that of a snorex's one. haha. yup.. basically, thats it. facade-x reminiscing 09:25 + + + haiyo. its near. im getting old 18 yrs back, on that fateful 17th of July in the year 1987 at 9.50am. haha. spent the whole entire day on naruto and lost! disgusting. only salvation was lit paper 3 grp work. rajoo's gonna go tsk tsk tsk-ing on mon! horror. nvm. time to enjoy the wkend! yay yay yay! facade-x reminiscing 17:31 + + + dreary mid yr results. yes, im really glad and thankful that i passed it. but seriously, it doesnt mean anything much. merely spotting qns and poor exam strategy. and with that kind of laziness and lack of perseverence and concentration, how to, in a sch which "do not" have much of any "academic excellence", going to compete with that Big five out there. and on that account alone, its scary enough to think whats really in store for us for the real A-level exams. its pretty scary how i dont really feel anything much when i get my papers. its kinda odd actually. yes, theres whiffs of relief and disappointments, but other than that, nothing else. perhaps its becos i know i din put in enough effort.. but it may be also becos im satisfied with what i got? and thats the scary part. facade-x reminiscing 23:33 + + + mid yrs are finally over but im not a least bit athrill. did not study as much and well as i hoped to.. and of course, went no where near mine nor anyone else's expectations. oh well. term 3 is already at the door step and yet im not even anywhere near that level. to top it off, realised from wing and reina that the sch categorises students into different bandings after mid yrs! how horrid. it really really seems like an utterly unfair system to me. but on a teen bit brighter side, they only did so after the prelims last yr.. so perhaps.. yea. life's full of contradictions. or maybe its just me. haha. am constantly complaining non stop about having to attend sch and all that stuff, and yet at the same time, im dreading the end of my sch life.. discounting U..and that is assuming i can get into one. even though life may seem hard now with all that studying.. but somehow, u just know that life outside of school is even harder. when u do really go out into the world.. that is when u really need to strive hard for plain survival. after all, haven parents been telling their children that its a harsh and cruel world out there. scary. cant imagine leaving my sheltered blissful life..the turmoils of studying and struggle over school work seem insignificant compared to other true crises and devastations out there. furthermore, 3/4 of the troubles and problems that we face during our short sch life seem to be created by our own very selves. we are the ones that allow ourselves to sink into depression and over imagine stuff to the extent where we make our own life miserable. ah well.. the life of a pampered being. and the shameful thing is, even after all these recognitions, pple..at least i.. still go on rambling abt how tough sch is.. being only concerned over my own well being and caring for nothing else in the world. ahh! the selfish ways of the human mind. perhaps could make it rich being a fisherman. haha. stupid. with that much being rambled, i think im going through a sort of middle aged life crisis. hahaha. im actually kinda a little teeny bit dreading the arrival of my birthday. i'll be officially 18 and legal for so many things. that only spells one thing: old! this then leads on to the fact that i can no longer just stretch out my hand for pocket money and stuff with a not so guilty conscience. soon i'll have to work for my own money and then i'll have to not only support myself..but in due time, support others as well. parents will have to retire and then the responsibilities will be transferred to me and then ahh!! alright.. perhaps thats going a little too far for the moment. but still.. never too early to plan ahead. oh well.. i admit im pampered... hmm.. thats wonderful considering i am an accident. haha! great. my last para just proved my point that i do tend to over imagine and think way off of stuff. haha.. terrible. Frost said humans are constantly seeking a form of escapism through the imagine world where we leave the reality behind and embark on a journey of fantasies. however, in my perception, no matter how wonderful that journey was, its still a fantasy.. it was still just purely imagination. that is when it sux the most to go back into reality and realised that all those that u imagined and hope for did not..and perhaps will never happen. so what good is there in trying to run away from reality, when in the end, we become unable to sparate the two worlds? haha..ahh..once again, the works of human fraility. facade-x reminiscing 23:23 + + + |
|
|